Respecting Red State Culture

There has been a lot of breast beating among Democrats and liberal pundits about how the Democratic Party needs to show more respect to the faith-based culture of the alleged "majority" of Americans living in Red States. Apparently, the problem is that we Blue Staters are just pointy-headed elitists who think that everyone who is a fundamentalist Bush voter is a nitwit. We Blue State Democrats are told that even if we disagree with these folks, we should still respect their culture.

Okay, so let's venture out into the Big Red Morass and find out what it is that we're supposed to be respecting. Indeed, I recently realized how clueless I am about Red State culture when I found out that I knew almost nothing about the miracle of the Virgin Mary in the 10-year old grilled cheese sandwich. It seems that ten years ago a woman in Hollywood, Florida took a bite out of her sandwich only to discover the visage of the Blessed Virgin grinning back at her. This caused the woman to stop eating (I don't know if she prepared an alternative meal) and to wrap the Miraculous Munchie in cotton balls and place it in a clear plastic container which she has kept by her bedside ever since. Note: I have seen the size of Floridian cockroaches, so this woman must have been engaged in one hell of a battle to maintain the integrity of this sandwich over the past ten years. According to the woman, the sandwich has enabled her to win over $70,000 at casinos -- just imagine what this sandwich could do with a privatized Social Security account! The sandwich has just been auctioned off for a lot of dough on e-bay.

Respect that, you Blue State elitists! I guess that we should all be thankful under these circumstances that we didn't do any worse than George W. Bush.